There’s something funny about cloned meat. The FDA has approved cloned meat and milk products for general consumption, so get ready for the best steak (that has been cultivated from a donor cell and electronically stimulated in a lab and then artificially inseminated in a host cow) that you ever had.

This is another crowning achievement in America’s long struggle to invent new things that barely qualify as food. At a time when we are learning that over-processing food kills people, we are striving to fundamentally alter our food supply. Forget Olestra, Twinkees or trans-fat; now we are playing in God’s kitchen.

Think of the benefits: with cloning, you can eat the same steak for all eternity. Charlotte will still die, but Wilber will be immortal. High cholesterol is irrelevant: you can eat a pig’s worth of bacon, and take its heart for your own, starting a bizarre new form of cannibalism. Speaking of which, can cannibals get around the prohibition on human cloning? We all have to eat, after all.

But not all will be well. Hot dogs will have new competition for being the scariest thing to call itself food. Since all meat products will be equally disturbing, we’ll lose the guilty pleasure of eating veal, which still gets better treatment than children in New York’s foster care system.

Opponents are afraid of cloned food being sold without proper labeling. I’m more afraid of my dinner grabbing my knife and taking me hostage. We are making super-food, products of genetic superiority and purity, the master race of meatloaf. While human cloning is called immoral, unethical, and dangerous, cloning food, well, that’s tasty. After all, people do need to keep their strength up while they’re bombing abortion clinics and damning gays to hell.

The cloning process is still in its infancy though, and some clones are born mutated, with extra limbs or heads. While this does give the hot dog industry more to work with, it might be something more insidious, a sinister vegetarian plot to breed livestock strong enough to overthrow their agrarian masters, a revolution on animal farms everywhere.

But knowing the industriousness of the American nation, it will not be long before cows have alphabets of T-bones, roasted pigs have two apples (one for each head) and we will finally get chocolate milk straight from the udder. We will learn to package and market life itself.

Apparently they are having trouble cloning poultry, which begs the question: what will come first, the clone chicken, or the clone egg?